Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
