u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
