I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
