I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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