if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
