I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
