It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
