im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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