There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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