Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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