My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
