Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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