I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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