I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
