If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
