I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
