sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
