I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
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