made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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