First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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