dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
