the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
