Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
