So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
