were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You are a genius and a whore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
