Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pants are for mortals
I'm bleeding and have questions
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
