I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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