thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
