here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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