I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
