Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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