this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We had sex on a dog bed..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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