weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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