you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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