Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
