Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
