just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
