Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
