I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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