my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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