I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
