I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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