Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
