The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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