apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
