he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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