new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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