dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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