Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
