pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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