That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My bed smells like the plague
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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